That Sinking Feeling

You know that feeling you get in the pit of your stomach? You know, the one that instantly washes a wave of dread over you? You might sweat a little, hold back tears or look around to see if anyone else notices…it’s that feeling you got when your high school sweetheart was in the midst of trying to break up with you. The feeling right before a car crash or even when you hear, “we need to talk”. Have I made my point?

Well, I got that feeling today. It happened when I dropped my 4 year old daughter off at preschool. Waiting to go inside, another boy showed up. Normally, this is great, another kid for mine to talk to. The problem was what this sweet little 4 year old boy held in his hand….a puppet.

How, do you ask, did I manage to feel like I was going to vomit over a hand puppet Well, I’ll tell you.

It was puppet day at school, all the kids were supposed to bring their own hand puppets and I forgot. All I could picture was the look on my precious girls face when every one brought out their puppets and she was left without one. How that must feel.

I wanted to cry for her. I wanted to drive the 40 minute round trip drive to get her puppet. I wanted to ask the teacher to change puppet day to tomorrow. (Cause that’s logical, right?) Instead, I hugged her tight and told her that the teacher would have a spare one for her. She kissed me and skipped happily into class. Not phased at all.

Sometimes I forget that my lovely little princess is only 4. Not yet burdened with feeling “unpopular” or like she doesn’t measure up if she doesn’t have the coolest toys and gadgets you can buy. Let me get my therapist voice ready. I’m assuming I get this feeling from the things that happened to me growing up. The need to fit in still buried inside me waiting to unleash its ugly head. Waiting, to make sure my baby girl gets the best so that she never gets that feeling in her stomach.

Here’s the thing, if I can instill in her NOW that what matters most is her family and the love we have for her, then maybe I can stop what I so often witness in others. Stop the amount
of value we often put in material things. Stop the bullying and feelings of insecurity because we don’t have the best of the best. I want my daughter to know that she doesn’t need the iPhone 3000 just because everyone else does. That if times are hard, no matter what she has me.

It may take a while for this ugly, sinking feeling to get out of my system. But I vow to keep it out of my baby girls as much as I have control over.

I also vow to try and forgive myself. I do have fibromyalgia and I do have a ton of other medical issues. I can’t always be perfect. I will forget hand puppets, picture money and permission slips. It’s inevitable. I still love my girl and would do anything for her. Even if its as illogical as asking her teacher to switch a project date. 😉

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2 thoughts on “That Sinking Feeling

  1. I can relate. I’m so hypersensitive to doing everything I can to make sure my daughter doesn’t feel like an outcast, the way I did through all my school years. It’s hard to just sit back and let things happen, and accept that she’s NOT me and that on her own, there’s a very good chance that she won’t suffer through the social hell that I went through (or at least there is a chance, if I let her spread her own wings). Life is tough, and it’s tough to do what’s best for our children, especially when “what’s best” isn’t necessarily the same as what we WANT to do.

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